Parenthood can shake even the most resilient sense of self. In this article, we dive deep into why confidence often fades during this transformative journey—and more importantly, how you can reclaim it. This piece is packed with fresh insights and new ways to respond to the confidence conundrum that many parents face.
Parenthood is transformative, but it can also profoundly shake our confidence. As a coach, I often hear from clients, especially working mothers, saying, “My confidence is gone—I just don’t know what to do.” It’s an all-too-common experience.
What Causes Confidence to Fade in Parenthood?
The language we use around confidence is telling. We often say it’s “lost,” as though it’s a misplaced object. But confidence isn’t something external—it’s part of us, deeply connected to our sense of self. Here are three key reasons it can feel absent in parenthood:
1. Our Focus Shifts and We Operate in Survival Mode
Confidence thrives when we’re connected to ourselves—our abilities, goals, and identity. Parenthood, however, demands that our focus shift entirely onto another person, often leaving little time or energy to nurture our own sense of self. At the same time, parenting can feel like constant firefighting, with days spent reacting and doing just enough to get through. Operating in this survival mode leaves us depleted, our nervous system recognizes this as suboptimal. Together, this disconnection and depletion create the perfect storm for our confidence to erode.
2. We Frantically Try to “Fix” It
When confidence wavers, our instinct is often to do more—parent harder, work faster, strive for perfection—all in the hope that this effort will restore it. But this overdrive comes at a cost. In trying to fix the problem, we chip away at the very reserves needed to rebuild our confidence. The harder we push, the more we erode our connection to our inner strength and the more depleted we feel. Exhaustion then fuels our inner critic, which berates us for not doing “enough,” accelerating the spiral of self-doubt.
3. We Numb and Avoid Our Emotions
As these challenges compound, we inevitably face uncomfortable emotions. Rather than processing them, we often turn to avoidant behaviours like doom scrolling, binge-watching, or emotional eating, or we deflect through blaming others or our circumstances. While these provide temporary relief, they ultimately deepen our disconnection, keeping us stuck and further eroding confidence.
So how do we Bring It Back?
Breaking free from this cycle and rediscovering confidence requires intentional action. Here are three steps to help:
1. Reconnect by Calming Your System
Confidence isn’t something external to find—it’s a connection to yourself. Feeling disconnected doesn’t mean it’s lost; it’s a signal to pause and tune in. When parenting leaves you operating in survival mode, your nervous system can become dysregulated, whether stuck in high alert or low arousal, making it harder to access that connection. Simple, grounding practices can help, such as taking three slow, deep breaths (this takes 11 seconds), clasping your hands and squeezing then releasing them three times, or moving in a way your body instinctively wants to release built-up tension. These micro-practices help regulate your system and create the space needed to reconnect with your inner resources. Confidence thrives in a state of calm, not chaos.
2. Parent Your own Inner Critic
Many of us inherit harsh internal voices that echo how we were parented or conditioned. These voices, though well-meaning, often criticize rather than support. Try responding to your inner critic with FIERCE self-compassion (a concept championed by Kristen Neff):
– Acknowledge its intention to protect you: “I see you’re trying to keep me safe—thank you.”
– Redirect it: “But I need a different message right now. What I need to hear is…”
– Consider the type of energy that best serves you in this moment—whether it’s tenderness, fierceness, or even a playful tone. Tailoring your response ensures it truly hits the spot!
3. Seek Out and Name Your Daily Ingenuity
Let’s face it: in the 21st-century parenting experience, we’re all flexing new levels of ingenuity! Rebuilding confidence starts with noticing and acknowledging these moments each day. Intentionally look for three instances where you showed resourcefulness or creative problem-solving—whether it’s finding a way to handle an unexpected change in your schedule, managing a tricky conversation with a partner, or organizing your day in a way that balances your needs and others’. These small acknowledgments, when practiced consistently, gradually weave together a fuller picture of your inner ingenuity, restoring the intricate tapestry of your confidence.
A Transformative Exercise to Reclaim Your Confidence
Years ago, a wise teacher offered me a simple yet powerful exercise: write a list titled All the Things I Say to Myself About Myself. As I started putting those thoughts on paper, I was shocked. The words I’d been telling myself were often harsh, outdated, and, in many cases, completely untrue.
Here’s where the power lies: once these thoughts are visible, they lose their grip on you. You can see them for what they are—and more importantly, you have the opportunity to rewrite them. This isn’t about slapping on positive reframes or pretending everything is perfect; it’s about crafting statements that feel real, authentic, and empowering.
For me, this exercise was nothing short of transformative. Instead of letting my inner critic run the show, I began responding with words that reflected the truth of who I was—rather than the insecurities I’d absorbed over the years. And when that old dialogue crept in, I was ready with a new script.
________________________________________
Parenthood will always present its challenges, but the power to reconnect with your confidence lies within you—not in silencing your doubts, but in transforming how you respond to them. If you’re ready, take a moment to explore these steps and begin your own journey back to confidence. And remember, you don’t have to do it alone—reach out for support from a trusted friend, mentor, or coach if you need guidance.
The confidence you seek is still there—it was always there. In the words of David Whyte: “Everything is waiting for you.”
Looking for more? Click here to sign up and receive my free monthly wellbeing resource for parents – the parent recharge!
Charlie is a Partner Coach with Careering into Motherhood, find out more about her work, fees and what her previous clients have to say about their experiences here.
December 2, 2024
