As I looked down at my son’s battered shoes as he left for school, my heart sank. We had returned from our summer holiday with the term already started, and amidst the whirlwind of holiday preparations, winding down work activities, and organising dog daycare, school uniform didn’t even make it onto my list.
That same week, my daughter told me she was ‘very surprised’ that I had blocked time in my diary to attend her A-level drama performance. I quickly ran through the long list of children’s events I’d attended over the years: gala swimming; Christmas concerts; plays; sports days – and literally thousands of school runs, which I still do some days, more out of nostalgia than necessity.
The irony! I was left wondering what exactly made my daughter think I wouldn’t be available for her A-level play. The reality is, no matter how much I do, there always seems to be something else either left undone or something I could have done better.
Like many other mums, this is a familiar feeling. During times of overwhelm, especially when my children were younger, I would wake up in the middle of the night, convinced I’d forgotten something very important – which I hadn’t (well, only the occasional World Book Day or non-uniform day which, of course, got imprinted into their memories). Very early in my motherhood journey, I started to resent the depiction of motherhood as a carefree and joyful experience – usually portrayed in margarine and cereal commercials, with their perfectly dressed and contented children, and mothers who not only managed to look flawless for breakfast but also exuded happiness and calm. For many mothers, this could not be further from the truth, as anyone who has ever got children ready for nursery or school will attest. Getting them out of the house, with something nutritious in their tummy and an outfit that doesn’t resemble a Halloween costume or worse is a winning day indeed.
For many of us, the journey of motherhood comes with a heavy emotional burden: guilt.
This pervasive feeling can stem from various sources – juggling work and family, feeling inadequate, or struggling to meet societal and self-imposed expectations. There are no easy answers, but here are a few ideas that can help us mitigate some of the negative impact of mother’s guilt:
Acknowledge and validate feelings. The first step in overcoming mother’s guilt is to acknowledge and validate these feelings. Recognise that guilt is a common experience for many mothers and that it’s okay to feel this way. Open conversations with supportive friends, family, or a coach can help in processing these emotions.
Set realistic expectations. Setting realistic expectations for yourself can significantly reduce guilt. Understand that perfection is unattainable, and making mistakes is part of being human. Prioritise your tasks and let go of the notion that you must excel in every area. Done is better than perfect. Lower your standards and learn to drop the ball.
Create a support network. Building a support network is vital. Surround yourself with people who understand and support you, whether it’s family, friends, or fellow parents. Having a reliable support system can offer practical help and emotional reassurance. Sharing experiences and strategies with other mothers can also provide new perspectives and solutions to common challenges.
Practice self-care. Taking time for yourself is essential – not just for your wellbeing, but for the benefit of your family as well. Self-care isn’t selfish; it’s a necessary component of being a healthy, effective parent. Lock yourself in the bathroom if need be! Honestly, a few moments for yourself will do wonders for your sense of self and your mood.
Communicate openly. Open communication with your partner and family members about your needs and challenges is crucial. Expressing your concerns and discussing how responsibilities can be shared can reduce the burden and help align expectations.
Focus on quality, not quantity. When time with your children is limited, focus on the quality of interactions rather than the quantity. Engaging in meaningful activities, being present during moments together, and showing affection can create lasting positive experiences, even if the time spent is shorter than you’d like. Did you know that the time parents spend with their children has more than tripled over the past three decades? We are doing well!
Be intentional. Being intentional about your decisions can greatly reduce feelings of guilt. Reflect on what truly matters to you and your family, and make choices that align with your values and goals. Instead of striving to meet every external expectation, focus on what brings you and your family joy and fulfilment. Intentionality means making conscious decisions about how you spend your time, which activities you prioritize, and how you balance your various roles.
As for me, three weeks on since the beginning of the term, and my son is still wearing the same battered shoes (I decided not to put ‘new shoes’ on my list; it’s not really important to me and less so to him). I’m already planning our next family holiday, and I’m actively avoiding cooking so I can have more time to go to the gym. Don’t worry – the children are eating well (most days).
Ana-Paula is a women’s wellbeing & life Coach. After a long career in PR and Communications, Ana-Paula leant into her interest in Psychology and supporting women and retrained as a Coach. Ana holds a Doctorate in mentoring & coaching and is a qualified NLP practitioner.
September 24, 2024
