If you’re reading this article, there’s a good chance that you have been raised in, or at least are currently spending much of your time in, a western society, if not the UK where this platform is based. The very experience of living within a particular society means that we are surrounded by beliefs and ideals which, as members, we are implicitly expected to adhere to. As soon as we are able to absorb ideas about others in our communities, we begin to learn the ‘rules’ of how to fit in, how we are expected to behave, and what our future roles might be.
This happens on an individual level, but also for the types of roles we might one day hold. Mothers are no different in this. Indeed, the rules of motherhood in Western society are long and rigid. And in the last few generations have expanded, especially for middle-class mothers. Over forty years ago women were told they could “have it all” largely seen to be an acknowledgement of the ability to have fulfilling careers and independence alongside family life. This phrase has since been examined and redefined in many ways, but it seems clear to me that along the way it has come to be understood that women must “do it all.” And to do so perfectly.
Eve Rodsky famously observed that “we expect women to work like they don’t have children and raise children as if they don’t work.”*
We’ve been set up with an impossible challenge. Maternal scholars and sociologists since the 1970s have been exploring the ways in which these rules of motherhood constrain and diminish the individual’s experience of motherhood, leading to feelings of guilt, anger, a sense of failure and decreased confidence and self-worth. These rules are designed to make us feel that we are not enough, precisely because they are impossible to follow in full.
What are these rules I refer to? The list is long, but whenever you hear a voice in your head, or even someone speaking out loud, telling you that you should be doing something, take a moment to consider it. This may well be one of those rules showing up in action for you. It may be something like ‘I should be more patient’ or ‘I should always want to play with my kids’ or perhaps ‘I shouldn’t crave time to myself’ or ‘I shouldn’t focus on my career.’ When you notice these, spend some time considering where the idea behind these thoughts are coming from. Do you truly believe them for yourself? Do they come from a personal value you hold? Or are they part of the unwritten rules that society has placed on you?
Sometimes, just realising that these rules exist can be the start of feeling less pressure to be held back by them. Other times, we may want to explore these in more depth with others who can hold up a mirror and help us to understand which rules serve us and our families and which we can ignore. Motherhood Studies Sociologist Sophie Brock** hosts a podcast called The Good Enough Mother, and while this phrase is not originally hers, it is an acknowledgment that good enough, far from being a compromise, or some sort of settling, is in fact an aim we can be proud to achieve. And I can wholeheartedly tell you, you are good enough, just as you are!
*Rodsky, Eve (2019) Fair Play: A Game-Changing Solution for When You Have Too Much to Do
**I have completed Sophie’s Motherhood Studies Practitioner Training, a deep dive into ideas I’ve introduced here and so much more around motherhood in its entirety.
These are the sorts of questions I love to explore with my one-to-one clients, and now have created a group coaching program to allow participants to benefit from community and shared exploration. If you’re interested, please get in touch and ask me to tell you more about Bloom.
This article was written by Tricia King, Motherhood and Matrescence Coach with Careering Into Motherhood. Tricia works with mothers who want to explore their shifting identities and feel fulfilled and confident in all aspects of life. You can contact Tricia [via her profile page] or at her website www.triciaking.co.uk.
Photo by Nik on Unsplash
August 24, 2024
